There, I said it.
I feel like I've hit a wall, with almost everything I can conceivably think of.
This is kind of coming to a head right now because I'm getting sick again. For the fifth time since New Year's, fifth time in three and a half months. I don't know if I can handle this again. Nevertheless, I went to bed with a scratchy throat last night and woke up feeling worse, with a 99.1 degree temp. And as I sit here in my very warm office, wearing a turtleneck sweater, I am feeling chills in that completely irrational way that tells you something is wrong. And I really need to close my eyes for a few minutes before I try to go home. It's like I'm functional, but this could go any way and I'm really hoping it won't be bad, that this is a blip.
I feel like I'd been doing everything right; I was drinking more juice and easing up on the soda a little. I was eating balanced meals and, while my lunch is always highly variable, I've been eating 100-calorie snacks and sandwiches. For a time, I was taking daily vitamins along with my allergy medication, but I had stomachache so I quit doing that, but I am very mindful of my vitamin C in particular. I've even tried to reduce my stress at least partly by letting some things go and getting more rest. I haven't been going out, and only on St. Pat's Day did I spend a little bit of time with some friends. I've even been washing my dishes more regularly.
What is happening to me? Why is my body so incapable of being well? It's so exhausting, and I haven't been able to do things I want to do because I always feel like I should be sleeping if I don't have work to do. And this last time I was really hopeful because the thing went away, it honestly did, for a few days, just a little drippy here and there, but I felt so much better. Why? Why? Why?
I don't even feel like I can make plans, which is very upsetting. I want to see my niece and I want to meet my goddaughter, but you can't go see a baby when you are unhealthy. I wasn't even sure I'd make it home during spring break because my folks were headed to see their granddaughter, and I didn't want to make them sick or carry what I had.
I'm tired, and it's so hard to find things to be happy about when so much doesn't seem to be going well. I'm tired and sick and sad and I just want so badly to be healthy and ready for the warm sunshine when it comes.
I guess what I am saying is that I'm not feeling well again, I don't know what's wrong with me, and I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers to get me properly healed.