In an effort to rekindle some attitude, ie. something I can use to kick ass in the next three weeks rather than feeling down in the dumps, I have rediscovered the mix tapes of my high school life, and a bit of college, taped from the radio and used in various dance and angst-related settings. These were times when, no matter how crappy everything was, I never gave up and I never wilted for longer than a week. I pretty much rocked everything I had to do, and I had recognized escapes that would make me feel better or at least get me out of harm's way (like the dance studio, or the extra garage my parents have). It's not like I had less emotion then, but I had more ways to get out of it and enough that I wanted to do that I always had a way to distract myself.
Some songs I have rediscovered via these mix tapes (which are lettered and which, somewhere, have lists of their contents corresponding to these letters...obsessive much?):
Nine Inch Nails "The Perfect Drug" ("...I see the truth, when I'm all stupid-eyed. The arrow goes straight to my heart...without you, everything just falls apart." How awesome is that for angst-ridden youth?)
Poe "Angry Johnny" and "Hello" (an album which I will be buying, today if possible)
Squirrel Nut Zippers "Hell"
dance mix of Soul Coughing "Super Bon Bon" (which makes much more sense at dance speed)
Garbage "Stupid Girl"
Salt n' Pepa w/ En Vogue "Whatta Man"
...and so many more.
I took mix tapes very seriously, like anyone else would, but unlike my peers I jumped on the CD bandwagon pretty late, so I have more recent songs than most people on their tapes. Fortunately, my car and my apartment have tape players. I am remembering so much of my past more accuately than I usually do (which is usually accute enough, actually).
It's occured to me often that my big thing is memory. I have an obsessive memory and my mind works very hard to commit things to memory, which is very exhausting. I forget stuff, but events, conversations, and people I know stay incredibly fresh in my brain. The emotional resonance of things, especially bad stuff, stays fresh longer than most people. That's why I heart Deanna Troi on Star Trek. I'm not really empathic, I suppose, but I feel her pain. I understand, even if I don't know exactly, what it's like to be surrounded by so much of people's emotional energy. Sometimes it makes it hard to deal with your own.
Anyway...all this from mix tapes. I love 'em.
In other news, I'm tired, and I have a giant load of grading to do. I am compensating by making plans for myself when the work is done, or for my little breaks between piles (aside from doing my taxes, of course). I plan to rent a video game system and spend at least three days playing some version of Zelda. I plan to work on my children's book. I plan to work on my modeling skills for no other reason but fun. I also am planning the layout and furniture of my "extra" apartment/office for next year. I'm not eager for that year to arrive, because I need to do some serious chilling out before then, but sometimes the planning is more fun than the having anyway.
OK, that's all. I'm giving Meijer a second chance on Dr. Pepper...Angel's fridge is looking a little bare.